Heard Any Good Lawyer Jokes Lately?

As promised, here are some lawyer jokes that I have reprinted. I asked other lawyers, small business owners, and of course my massively small network on Facebook to contribute. I received well over 200 joke submissions. 

In a previous article, I wrote that I agreed with what people already know: . However, I am hoping that by bringing some humor to the issue, lawyers can grasp public perception, have a small laugh, and use this as a motivation to help improve our status in society.   For non-lawyers, I hope you realize lawyers can still laugh at themselves. As I try to demonstrate regularly, most lawyers’ hearts are in the right place.

Enough about us, let’s get to the jokes. 

The first story comes from a real case that I observed recently and was sent to me after my call out for jokes from, ironically, a Patch reader who was in the same courtroom. This was not my case (but see the end of the article).

"I think you should definitely write a funny story about a cocky male attorney telling a female judge in closing arguments, 'While I admit it is totally inappropriate for my client to call his wife a [insert a word that starts with 'F,' followed by a gardening tool] in front of the children. Your Honor, he did not beat her. The whole case just reminds me of the movie Friday the 13th, Your Honor.”

The result was not good for the client. One would assume that relating one’s client to Freddy Kruger may not increase credibility.

The next one comes from a legal assistant who was in the industry for longer than I have been alive. She is actually one of the best legal assistants I have had the pleasure of knowing.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Her point is well taken insofar as it is bad enough our industry charges more per hour than most of our clients make in a day. I think her point is that we as a profession should work hard to streamline our billable time. Funny part for a lawyer is that the term “demur” doesn’t exist anymore in daily practice. (Sorry Judith, I know you read Patch.com articles; I didn’t mean to show your age.)

This one came from a local business owner in New Port Richey.

There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Interestingly, one question I am asked all the time is how well do I know the judge and his/her tendencies. There is something to be said about knowing a judge’s philosophy on any given case. Might I suggest a lawyer that knows both?

I cannot remember where this one came from, but I do recall the name Mark Twain from somewhere when I was painting a white fence. Disclaimer: I have not confirmed that Mark Twain made the quote below.

"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself.'

Only thing I can say about this: What came first, the chicken or the egg? 

A very good and ethical attorney sent this one to me:

What do you call a person that makes attorney jokes? A defendant.

I find my friend’s joke really funny because recently when I was cross examining a witness, he said something to the effect of, “I have seen you in action and all you do is ask defendants yes or no questions, and that is badgering me.”  Well, that is an attorney’s job.

This one is actually from someone I have given a consultation too:

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked: How much is 2+2?

The housewife replies: Four!"

The accountant says: I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice: How much do you want it to be?

One time a young lawyer was in a trial against an experienced attorney of more than 20 years and getting hammered pretty hard for essentially being a rookie.  So the young lawyer says to the judge, after feeling picked on:

"Judge, the practice of law is like having Jedi Knight powers. They are supposed to be used for good, and we don’t have to use our powers for evil. The Jedi have great powers, but just because they have those powers doesn’t mean they have to use them today."

The Judge looked at the young attorney in his first trial with a look of confusion on such an off-the-wall metaphor, pondered the issue, and then said, “Counsel, I need to talk to you in Chambers.”

Many years later, hundreds (approaching thousands) of court appearances later, I would have called myself into chambers too. Jedi Knight metaphors don’t work.

Here are some others that I found to be pretty funny. Hope you enjoyed the article.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

About this column: Each week, we discuss relevant legal issues in your community; the latest legal developments that affect those communities; or answer questions directly from Patch readers. This column is for you, and therefore your comments and questions are highly encouraged. Please send specific legal questions to jts@simonslawfirm.com or www.simonslawfirm.com for potential publication. This column is for informational purposes only. Nothing herein should be construed as giving legal advice to the reader, Patch.com, or any other person or entity. This is not a solicitation for business J.T. Simons, P.A., attempts to provide the most recent and accurate information available. However, nothing herein should be construed as a formal legal opinion that can be relied on for any purpose. In other words, absolutely nothing herein should be construed as giving you any legal advice. Please contact an attorney to verify the validity and/or applicability of any legal issue or comment contained herein. Any questions or comments submitted in response to any column, or any communication made to J.T. Simons, P.A. concerning this column, shall not create an attorney-client relationship.