If I Could Write a Letter to Me...

Dear Teenage Self,

There are so many things that I want to tell you. Quite literally, there are countless words of advice that I wish I could give you. Not to say that I have life all figured out, because believe me, I don’t.  At 25, I still have a lifetime of lessons to learn.  And honestly? That’s the way it should be. Learning those lessons and making mistakes along the way will shape who I am in the future. Just as you have shaped who I am in the present.  For that reason, I wouldn’t want to change a thing about you. I know,  I know, it sounds cliche. But, it’s true. Changing who you are would change who I am,  which would change the person we would become, and since I firmly believe that God is slowly transforming us into the person we are supposed to be (in part) through our life experiences, altering who you are is the last thing I would want to do.

That said, there are still many, many things I wish I could travel back in time to tell you. Here are just a few:

You will be okay. You don’t believe that yet. In fact, you won’t believe it for years more, but I promise you, it’s true. That crushing weight that is with you all the time? The anger, bitterness, anxiety and total sense of hopelessness that you feel at being different? You won’t always feel that. Sure, those feelings may visit you from time to time. But, they won’t crush you. Not now. Not ever.  They can’t. Because you have realized the power of faith. And  hope. And love. All three of which are everlasting, while your emotions come and go. I know that you think I’m crazy. Your heart is so heavy that it feels like it is literally breaking under the pressure and struggle of life. All of the time. You firmly believe nothing will ever mend the brokenness that you feel, that no one else could have possibly ever felt the kind of intense pain you experience, and you are certain that no one cares. Well, guess what? You are mistaken. On all 3 counts.  You aren’t ready to hear that. And, it’s okay. You’ll see. Trust me.

Though you’re entirely convinced that you are completely alone in life, you aren’t.  Those prayers that you pray and are convinced that God is ignoring? He isn’t. I know that you are totally and completely desperate to understand His purposes for your life. You want to understand why He would allow you to go through the things that you have. On your better days, you plead with Him to help you understand. On your bad days, you are convinced that the chair you sit in is a form of punishment. On your worst days, you are furious at God. Convinced He is cruel, that He enjoys watching you suffer.  Some days, maybe even most days, you feel a combination of all those emotions. And no matter the day, you cry. Torrents of tears so bitter, and so overwhelming that you can’t see how they will ever end.

I know these things. I remember. 

And truth be told, sometimes I still  feel those same emotions, even if only for occasional and fleeting moments.

Here’s the thing that you don’t yet realize: All  of those emotions are normal. Anyone who is human has felt them at some point in life. Sure, not everyone deals with the day to day struggles that come with disability. But…Everyone has something. While they may not understand the struggles you face, and you may not understand the challenges life has handed them, the fact is that struggle & pain are a universal part of life. No one is exempt. So, while I know how alone and misunderstood you feel, you are not. You’ll see. Trust me.

Hindsight is 20/20, and you don’t yet realize this, but even now there are countless people around you who love you, support you, and will help you through this time in your life. They may not all be the friends you wish you had, or the people that you’d expect to have a lasting impact on your life… But, they are there. They care about you. One day you will realize that, you’ll see the imprint they have left, and you will appreciate each and every one of them beyond words.

And, God? He hears you. I promise you that.  And, bit by bit He is working out His purposes for your life. I can’t tell you what He has planned, of course. I wish I could. But, I can tell you that the glimpses He has given me thus far are worth the struggle. Right now you are so convinced that life is purposeless. You’re certain that the chair you sit in will hinder any possible meaning that your life could have, and that your visible imperfections render you useless. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, it’s the complete opposite of it. Everything you hate about the world and yourself? Those will be the very things in which God reveals great purpose.

I know. You hate that verse in the Bible. It’s the one everyone seems to throw at you. expecting you to find solace in it. And you don’t…Yet. But,  you will come to understand. To find comfort in those words, even and perhaps especially, on the days you still struggle to believe them.

You don’t see it yet (and that’s okay), but God’s power in your weakness will be the very thing that He uses to write an integral part of your story. Of course, the story isn’t finished yet, so  your guess is as good as mine as to what the ending will be. But, I promise you, I know enough to  truly believe that in fact, His power is made perfect in your weakness. If there is a single thing that I wish you could hear me say, it’s that. 

All things said though, there is still so much else that I wish you knew, and  if  I had to pick just 5 more things to share with you, they’d be…

1. Believe you are worthy of love, that one day you will find true love, and above all, learn to love and find value in yourself. 

We are still working on that, you and I. But, we’ll get there.

2. Cerebral Palsy is a part of who you are. 

You’ll learn to embrace  it, and to see it not as a mistake, but part of the purpose you desperately seek. A huge part. That said, you are right about one thing, CP doesn’t define you, and it never will. As much as it’s part of who you are, it is only part of who you are. It says as much about you as a person, as a single chapter says about a novel.

3. You will come to love exercise. 

I had to throw this one in here, because I understand how unbelievable  it is. You’re training for a half marathon right now. Crazy. But true.

4. You will find your voice. 

You, the girl who hardly speaks a word to anyone, will find that you have a lot to say. That your thoughts are valuable, and valued by many. You will advocate. Not only for yourself, but more importantly, for others. It will be a privilege. And, you will truly love and be passionate about trying to make the world a better place.

5. Other people will teach and inspire you beyond measure. 

As important as your story and your voice are, so are the stories and voices of all people. They have taught you, and will continue to teach me more than either of us know. There is much inspiration and beauty to be found in others. I hope we never forget to listen even more than we speak.

Lastly, know that I don’t have life figured out. If my future self could write me a letter, I’m sure she’d have much wisdom to give me. And, that’s the way it should be.

I love you.

Me.